A week before my daughter’s wedding day, my friends organized a bridal shower for her. I was amused and impressed at the wide variety of counsel to given to her.
The First Lady to speak gave the following narrative: “Congratulations on your upcoming wedding. So you are becoming a wife? Wonderful! You need a lot of wisdom. You need to understand your man and to keep him from predators out there. Make sure you submit because that is the most important thing a man needs. If you do, you will keep him forever.
Never suggest a direction to your husband. If he is driving and he is not sure of where you are going, just keep quiet, otherwise he will feel intimidated.” At this point I burst out laughing because I remembered how my sister – who was present – usually gives directions to her husband and he has never complained about it. My sister’s confusion was evident on her face. She went on to say that “if you get lost enjoy the scenery” My goodness! Another woman asked what would happen if one was going for a flight and time was running out. She said, “You would rather miss the flight than annoy your husband.” Though some managed to keep straight faces, everyone was shocked.
Next, she said the man should handle all cash matters. Another lady asked what should happen if he swindled the finances and the family suffers. “What if the wife is better at financial management? Shouldn’t she have a say on what happens, especially if she is even contributing to the family income?” “No! The man will feel intimidated when he does not handle money matters,” she said, with serious conviction.
“Never oppose his ideas. Always agree with him and if you bring ideas, communicate them in such a manner that he will feel the ideas are coming from him,” She went on. “And if you advise him against a project and he goes ahead with it but it backfires, never say ‘i told you’. If you do these things, someone else may make him feel more appreciated and may even take him away.”
How would gender-equity look like in such a marriage relationship? I was still wondering what would happen next when one of the ladies we call J, who had maintained a blank face broke the silence – and I am glad she did.
Turning to the bride to be, she said, “Cilia, listen, the most important and fundamental matter to master as you go into marriage is knowing God through His word. Let Him be your reference point. Then knowing and appreciating yourself. Once you know who you are from God’s perspective, then you are ready to relate based on to God’s standards. Next, relate from the point of being yourself and start a lifestyle that you can sustain. Then work on being friends with your husband and communicate often and openly, because marriage is about both of you being happy and not only the man. Be mutually submitted to one another and pray together daily. Keep learning God’s ways of attaining a meaningful relationship.”
J went on to narrate how, when she got married in the 60s, her auntie had given her the same advice like the previous speakers. She went into the marriage with a mindset of working to make the man happy, though she desired to be happy too. She wanted friendship but she never got it. At the end of it all, despite all the hard work, the marriage failed! She said most traditional approached to marriage were dangerous. She disagreed with the previous friend who gave a traditional counsel that tends to favour men more. She attracted applause from the rest of the ladies.
Successful marriages require faith in God, courage and wisdom. At the wedding, I advised the couple to embrace the Caleb and Joshua Spirit. At a time when a majority of the people had a negative attitude, Caleb and Joshua maintained the right and godly attitude. Caleb and Joshua chose to look at their circumstances from God’s perspective instead of looking at God from their circumstances. Focusing on God helps one to keep a clear, objective and holistic view of all aspects of a situation, viewing God as much bigger than one’s circumstances.
A lot of issues will rise up in a marriage. Having a godly reference point helps to maintain principle based analysis of particular situations. Maintaining one’s eyes on God’s words promotes steadiness and steadfastness. This in turn helps in the effective management of relationships.
Many more ladies spoke from their experiences as they agreed with J’s approach of keeping God at the centre of everything. One should first of all choose the word of God as a reference point for every aspect of life, including marriage. Then, one should get clarity on self-awareness and self-appreciation and move on to handle every situation based on God’s guidance and wisdom.
God is interested in flourishing marriages to His glory!
Both people happy from God guidance. Nice
We need to hear more people talk about this especially J’s perspective which is the Godly perspective. Because there are soo many schools of advice and sometimes it leaves you in confusion
Thank God for people who are willing to speak out on the right Godly perspective of marriage.
We need to hear more on that subject!
Thanks Beat for this! I almost pulled my hair out with the first speaker! I literally jumped her last words because of the adrenaline rush! Thanks to J for her experience sharing! Let’s not “kufera” our gals and teach them to stand tall even in their marriages. There is mutual satisfaction and equal pleasure! I refuse to let my girls listen to such counsel! All the best for your daughter!